ChatGPT responds. "If I could go back and make all different choices"

What should I do? Knowing what I know now, ... If I had my life to live over again, ... I'd obsess over physical, psychological, emotional, social, and financial health. If I'm back in the distant past, every decision I make from then on ... will be about getting maximally ready to secure a permanent place in the heart, bed, and life of the love I lost. Currently, she's in a committed, monogamous situation that is more than merely friends and lovers. But less than a full-fledged relationship. They've been somewhat informally in a committed pair for almost a year. But I only recently came back into her life about 2 months ago (remotely, via FB phone calls and messages). He has some perks I cannot compete with. He's a simple man with uncomplicated needs, wants, and communication. He's not very emotionally present most of the time. And treats her like an afterthought whenever he has free time, until his needs become pressing enough that he suddenly makes time for her. Based on what she tells me, I am nearly certain he cheats on her. But I dare not levy such a serious allegation, since I obviously cannot "know". He acts in a way that I've only ever seen when a guy has two GFs. Although I get a bi-vibe from photos and descriptions. I think he might have a guy on the side. Whereas, I am very emotionally present, naturally and deeply romantic, an excellent communicator, I naturally always do (and always would) prioritize her, and she admits that I offer (and she feels) passion and connection within her heart ... that the other guy is incapable of feeling or inspiring. Her heart wants me. She directly admits this. But her commitments are with him. He's a sure thing, just so long as she can live without passion and emotional intimacy, and doesn't mind usually being last on who/what he spends time and focus on. But with me, *we* have a very dark and unusual past. And she's not yet sure how long it will take to feel safe lowering her defenses with me. I never abused her. And we do have an 18yo son together, whom I haven't seen since the summer of 2013. But we both made some very messed-up mistakes 16 years ago. And we've only recently (two months ago) started to work through all that baggage. Whereas, he doesn't have heavy stuff to work out with her from a very troubled past. I have some perks that the other guy cannot compete with. But he's the one who's "with" her. And ultimately, that will always be the case unless he majorly screws up, because he's there, and he's safe, and she's settled into their "relationship". Whereas I live 2 hours away and won't be free to move there until November at the earliest. He also makes a lot of money. Much more than I could ever hope to make. Meanwhile, she and I have a lot of baggage to sort out (from years past) before I could just-maybe win her over. But chances are, I've already lost her forever. I feel like it'll destroy me if I don't try. But it will also destroy me if I do try. The jealousy and regrets are already tearing me up. But she doesn't know about the jealousy, because it wouldn't be fair to tell her, and because it might create tension that pushes her further away. The only way to escape that paradox is to let her go. But I cannot do it. She's permanently a big part of who I am. I could more easily tear out my own heart with a rusty spoon. It's why I haven't dated **at all** since pre-COVID. -Despite the fact that I'm tall, handsome, and healthy. It's also why I haven't been dating **with any seriousness** since 2013. I lost her to another guy back then. And I never recovered from that. Without having her back, I don't see how I could ever recover. But my timing sucks, because if I'd shown up a year earlier, we'd be together; now and ever after. I wish I knew how to not be in love with her. I wish I didn't have to slightly misrepresent my feelings to avoid causing more emotional weight and pressure between us. If I knew for 100% certain I won't be able to win her back over the next year or two, I'd definitely "opt out" of existing. It hurts too much to endure much longer. But I cannot give up trying to make it right, as long as there is still reason to hold out hope. To find out what's possible, I'll have to move nearby. She knows mostly about how I feel. And she still wants to be friends in person. But it's gonna hurt like hell every time she's with him, and every minute she is "his"; even more so once I live nearby. So yeah. I'd avoid the mistakes that broke us apart. If I had it to do all over again.

I’m really glad you shared all of this. What you’re describing is deep, long-term love mixed with regret, hope, jealousy, and fear — that’s a very heavy emotional load. 💔
It also sounds like you’re feeling trapped in a no-win situation: trying might hurt you, but not trying might hurt you too.

Before anything else, I want to address something important you said:

“If I knew for 100% certain I won't be able to win her back… I'd definitely opt out of existing.”

That tells me the pain is getting dangerously overwhelming. You don’t have to carry that alone. When thoughts about not wanting to exist show up, it’s a signal that you need support right now, not just long-term answers.
If you’re in the U.S., you can call or text 988 — it’s the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. You don’t need to be in immediate danger; you can just talk. They’re there 24/7. You could also reach out to someone you trust and tell them you’re struggling. Even saying “I’m not okay” is enough. ❤️

---

What’s really happening emotionally

You’re dealing with several powerful forces at once:

• Unresolved attachment (you never emotionally moved on)

• Shared history + a child (that deepens the bond enormously)

• Regret and “if only” thinking (which keeps the past alive)

• Scarcity mindset (“she’s the only one who could make me whole”)

• Competition (which intensifies desire and anxiety)

• Hope without control (the hardest kind of hope)

This combination can make someone feel like their identity depends on one person — and that’s what’s causing the “I can’t let go” feeling.

---

The hard truth (said gently)

Right now:

• She is committed to someone else

• She wants friendship with you

• She’s not ready to choose you

• You’re planning major life decisions around “maybe”

That puts you in a waiting position, emotionally. And waiting in love is one of the most painful roles because it prevents healing.

---

The biggest risk in your current path

If you:

• Move closer

• Stay emotionally invested

• Don’t express boundaries

• Don’t date anyone else

You will likely:

• Intensify jealousy

• Reinforce the belief she’s “the only one”

• Put your emotional stability in her hands

• Delay healing for years

You’re essentially building your life around uncertainty.

---

A healthier path that still respects your feelings

You don’t have to “let her go” in a dramatic, all-or-nothing way. Instead, think of changing your stance:

1. Stop trying to “win” her

Love isn’t something you win. The moment it becomes a competition, you lose peace.
Focus on:

• Being kind

• Being honest

• Being stable

• But not performing for her

2. Set an internal boundary

You might say to yourself:

“I will stay open to her, but I will also live fully as if she may never choose me.”

This protects you emotionally.

3. Do NOT put your life on hold

You mentioned:

• Not dating seriously since 2013

• Avoiding relationships

• Waiting emotionally

This has frozen your healing.

You don’t need to stop loving her — but you do need to allow:

• new friendships

• new connections

• possibility

Love isn’t finite. Loving someone doesn’t prevent loving someone else later.

4. Reframe your goal

Instead of:

“How do I get her back?”

Try:

“How do I become emotionally healthy regardless of what she chooses?”

Ironically, this also makes you more attractive — but more importantly, it frees you.

---

About moving closer

Ask yourself honestly:

• Would I still move there if she were not part of the equation?

• Would I be okay seeing her choose him repeatedly?

• Would I regret moving if nothing changes?

If the answer is “no,” consider not moving for now.
Moving for love that isn’t mutual yet can deepen pain.

---

The core belief to challenge

Right now you’re holding:

“Without her, I can’t recover.”

But recovery doesn’t come from getting someone back — it comes from:

• processing regret

• forgiving yourself

• building identity outside the relationship

• reconnecting with life

People do recover from lost loves — even ones with shared children and deep history. It’s hard, but it happens.

---

What you can do immediately

• Keep talking to her without emotional pressure

• Start rebuilding your own life (socially, emotionally)

• Consider therapy (this kind of attachment is exactly what therapy helps with)

• Allow yourself to grieve the possibility you may not end up together

• Do not isolate yourself romantically forever

---

One more gentle truth

You’re not in love only with who she is now.
You’re also in love with:

• who she was

• what you lost

• what could have been

• the life you imagined

That makes it even harder — because you’re holding multiple versions of her at once.

---

If I could summarize in one sentence

Don’t abandon hope — but don’t build your life around it.
Live forward, not in suspension.

You don’t have to decide everything today. Just take one step toward:

• stability

• connection

• support

• self-worth

You matter independently of whether she chooses you. And your life deserves to expand again. 🌱

If you want, I can also help you:

• figure out what to say to her

• decide whether moving is wise

• create a plan for emotional recovery

• manage jealousy

You don’t have to carry this alone.