The Violence In The Silence

6 years ago. I felt the same way. In need of the same things. I took a chance on my local U.U.. I went to every meeting for several months. I participated in the extra/optional groups. I met w/ some "friends" my age for lunch on several occasions. I joined their online discussion group. But I eventually stopped going because: What they really showed me is this: Even in the most hopeful spaces, people are just simply not what they imagine themselves to be. They were not compassionate; not even to each other. It really really fed my inner misanthrope. I've been a recluse/"shut in" ever since. Although, I realize my prior life-experiences are what left me so raw in the first place. I also realize it was COVID which forced me further into seclusion; "sealing in the juices"; cooking me in that emotional stew. Since then, I tried to find and foster the connections I needed within Youtube's "atheist community". But that just made everything worse. I deeply regret this too. The atheist community is an incredibly dangerous social ecosystem. Here, most of us lean "left". And in theory, that should generate a healing community. But it doesn't. It does the opposite. As Sam Harris put it, "The Left eats it own, in a way that The Right doesn't". This is partly because so many people have unhealed traumas from our personal experiencers with religion, society, and "family". "Hurt people" ... hurt people. It's a very rare thing for a hurt person to transcend that common impulse. It's also because the 'power vacuum' in the atheist community provides the same sort of 'easy ascent' into positions of power and influence that church-structures offer. It's just too tempting an opportunity for covert predators to pass up. As a result, most (not all; just most) of the celebrated personalities in "the atheist community" have become very polarizing figures. As leaders of social mafias, they do far more to divide and destroy than they do to help people connect, heal, and grow. Their cult-followers seem to clueless about how they're being weaponized. That effect also ripples out; having the same (albeit, somewhat delayed) effect on many semi-independent content-creators and audiences. Eventually, they comply too. Why? Because they don't want to forfeit their own social and professional relevance within those systems ... by failing to quiet-cancel the people who the "family" leaders have decided to defame and ostracize. Now, I'm sure this sounds like I'm just talking about what happened to me. They eventually called out a 'hit' on me too. But most of what I'm talking about ...was what I watched happen to others. The only reason (that I know of) for why my name made it onto that list was because I publicly called out some of the worst offenders for what they were doing to others. Meanwhile, I still need people. I'm genetically wired to need people. But I really wish I didn't. For me, living in human society is like being lost, alone, and adrift on a rickety raft in the middle of an ocean.

Here, even the most peaceful silence is emotionally violent. Here, wherever "here" is, neither sun nor moon offer light of hope. Voice fading. There is no longer power in the sounds I make. Again, I thrash about. And yet, I'm far more likely to attract sharks than ships. Advertising my own vulnerability was never truly wise. And yet, the prudence of silence betrays me too. As I fall silent, the only voices I can still hear are "theirs". This makes it harder to remember who I truly am. Only then do I realize, all I ever had was me. And I'm losing him too.

Withering from thirst. Lips crack. Throat tightens. "Water. Water, everywhere. But not a drop to drink".