My "Jerry Springer" Outro; To The Atheist Community

[Note: I cannot get Google's "blogspot" to correctly space any paragraphs, after changing to a larger default font and darker letters.

I give up trying to make blogspot work correctly.

I apologize in advance for how this blog's spacing looks weird.] Please also note that I purposefully avoided being very specific in the charges I levy against the atheist community. This is so I can avoid making any specific offenders feeling called out. That's partly so that my intentions are not misunderstood. I don't want anyone to think I'm ax-grinding targeted foes on my way out. Nor do I want to provoke community Narcissists into doing "damage control" by attempting to burn my rep down. For the most part, the observations of this blog are about what I've seen happening to other people. Very little of it was ever directed at me personally; so far as I know. I do have a few haters. And they do wield some localized cult-personality influence. But as I leave this network, I am relatively unscathed [again; "so far as I know"]. ----- This 'farewell' begins with a reason which has nothing to do with any atheists.

As it turns out, I have rather severe version of "Tullio phenomenon".

Combining that with blood pressure spikes while engaging with gas-lighting apologists = I just can't keep doing it. It spikes my BP when I talk about the gas-lighting. Gas lighting, of course, is an integral part of Christianity. It's even worse when engaging with people who are gaslighting me right to my face in real-time. That's because a lot of my complex PTSD is from past domestic abuses where gas-lighting and other forms of emotional violence were a daily experience; for years. -- So while I'm busy not-streaming, I'm losing subs at a rate of 2 per week.

And yet, at the same time, I keep asking myself "Why do I stream anti-apologetics content anyways?". Mine is the only channel I know of, anywhere in (or adjacent to) to the so-called "atheist community", that isn't really making any kind of difference in anyone's life.

I know this because I've directly asked my listeners; on several occasions. Nobody can think of anything I've ever said in my streams that was worth repeating.

Although, I already knew that too; because literally nobody ever clips anything I say. I'm just the background vibe for a place where people can show up and talk to each other. And honestly, that was good enough for a while.

It helped me feel a bit less alone; in the context of skepticism and the culture-war, at least.

Although, I only recently realized how over-dependent I've been on "the network" for my social needs. I'm sure it would all feel a lot less heavy if I had a life; and maybe even just one friend in that real life. #Goals. But that's where I need to be. It's not where I've been.

Where I've been for these past few years is ... here; in this fantastically dysfunctional social ecosystem we call "the atheist community".

Lately, it's been hard to ignore just how much it's is like a Hollywood-cinema high school.

Although, as someone with a Masters in Human Studies (with a focus on Behavioral Psychology), some of this was always obvious.

The problem was ... I was too close to it. It took me a while to finally stand back and really 'take it all in'.

* Cliques, * nested within social hierarchies, * covert and grandiose narcissists exploiting the vulnerabilities in those innately dysfunctional social systems, and * follower-type personalities falling in line and not even realizing how they've been weaponized against their own allies.

* Low-key social-mafias trading allegiances, plotting betrayals, and ordering "hits" of bullying and social-ostracizing against whoever the most empowered players want to either destroy or force to quit "school".

Even the more respectable and decent "student body leaders" sometimes end up being unwittily maneuvered into positions where if they don't at least passively comply with both "black lists" (the officially declared AND the unofficially whispered black lists) ... they themselves risk losing standing.

Meanwhile, even the nerds and nobodies will quickly move a few feet away from the lowest "friends" in the social-order, the moment one of the 'mean girls' or wrestling-bullies walk past and give the side-eye. Why? Because "every little bit helps" when everyone in the school cares about how they are perceived.

They can SAY they don't care. But they do. They must, because it effects how they are treated. It also determines their opportunities for social and academic networking within that system.

This is extra-true for content-creators. Because they're all out here trying to grow their channels. Those same "friends" will say "don't worry about how others see you". But they do care; else they'd treat lower-ranking peers better at lunch time; and on Saturday Nights.

All that noise is why high-end content creators and respected scholars ... do not normally hang out in our various channels. The closer they get to all that ugly dysfunction, the more it becomes a liability to their work, and to their inner peace.

"The Atheist Community" is impressively awful.

Too many (#NotAll) of these people had their personalities, ethical reasoning, and social-protocols warped by being raised in Christianity. When they leave those religions behind, it's too late.

Too much of that damage is permanent. To make matters worse, we all spend our lives trying to adapt to a tragically-unwell (and equally un-matured) society. This is why so much of that nonsense is easy to make excuses for. It's also easy to mistakenly think that we've matured into being ethically and rationally mature adults ... when we stand up to moral and intellectual Dunning-Krugers. It's easy to be morally-superior, in context, to people who preach "eternal damnation", sell fraudulent afterlife fire insurance, and run a racketeering scheme called "grace". But that's only because it's such a tragically low bar.

Most of us really haven't matured nearly as far as we imagine.

Granted, I haven't always been healthy and fair either, in this "school".

At times, I behaved in ways that I quickly regretted.

It's called "reactive abuse". [link]

I have (but only very rarely) lashed out at being abused; but still with less extremes than the abuses I was responding to.

However, narcissists can't mentally process things as they really happen. So they make up crazy shit about everyone their ego needs to feel victory over. To help make that happen, they align themselves with other narcissists; in cooperative (and highly effective) management of easily manipulated flying monkeys.

I don't hate anyone; not even my most dedicated enemies. They didn't choose to be how they are. They can't see past it. They can't grow past it. In fact, in every case, that's exactly why we became enemies in the first place. I don't choose enemies. Enemies choose me. I've learned to respect that decision; as the only thing such people are capable of. These are all symptoms of a terminally ill species. That is, after all, why we have so many mass-shootings, random people setting other random people on fire, pedestrians who film it for social media, and cops who pretend like it's not their job to save anyone.
EARTH
is unwell;
because WE
are unwell.

Everywhere I go
will be unwell.
But they won't all be equally un-well.

With all of that in mind, I DO, in fact, know why the caged bird sings.
Here, however, I'm a canary in a coal mine.

It's not the song itself.
It's not even the 'why' that really matters.
It's the sudden silence which finally actually means anything.

This place is not just toxic for me.
It's toxic for literally everyone.
But it's up to us each individually to decide we deserve better.

The environments we live and breathe within, over a prolonged period of time, shape who we are.
Unhealthy environments change us in unhealthy ways.

To regain lost health, and to re-shape the nature of my existence, I must migrate to an environment conducive to that healing and growth.

That doesn't mean it will be easy.

It won't be.
But I don't need it to be.
We need struggle, to help us develop strengths, and to help us appreciate that comforts we find along that long and dusty road.
But we also need the company of good friends; with whom to take refuge.