How The Christian Cookie Crumbles

March 27, 2024

Earlier in a conversation,
I said this:

1. There is no "The Bible".

Such a book does not exist.

There are "bibles".

But those many versions often disagree with each other on important issues.

In reply, some guy said this:

"... all are titled The Bible, from Biblos ( The Book)"
--
Here, I set out to clarify
what I think should have been obvious
about my meaning:

"The".
is a word deigned to reserve exclusivity.

It would be like 100 different startup companies
each marketing a book called "The Cookie Bible".

Everyone one of them slaps stickers on the side of their book that promise:
"The Cookie God's one true recipe!
For The One True Cookie!".

Reading from those various rival books,
countless cookie-factory startups
have been cranking out
so-called "exclusive truth"-cookies;
like there's no tomorrow.

Every one of those companies did their own research, to gather clues about how an iron age guru made his world-changing cookie.

Legends say
whoever eats of this cookie
while thinking, feeling, and living "correctly enough",
will attain everlasting life (after they die);
of pure spiritually-hedonistic bliss.

As a disclaimer, most such Cookie Companies also add:
* Nobody else can live forever;
unless that eternity is spent writhing in unimaginable agony.

In any case, ...

We have no great reason to think the earliest recipe from that obscure cult's Master Chef
was anything special.

Although, it's moot anyways, since:
His recipe has been lost to time.

Also, in the years that followed,
the various Christian cookie descriptions
sound curiously (exactly) like other cookies being passed around by surrounding cultures at that time.

It very much appears that everything the rumor-books credit to Jesus
has their origins in older and rival culture's confections.

Flash Forward to today:

For "The Christian Cookie" today,
we have very many competing cookbooks;
each labeled "The Cookie Bible".

Each of those Cookie Bibles differs greatly on ingredients and instructions.

Those different versions are definitely NOT telling readers how to make all the same cookie.

In fact, none of those cookbooks are internally consistent either.

Meanwhile,
all of those contradictions are due these troubling facts:

All we have now are:

* generational rumors,

* from NON-eyewitnesses,

* partially plagiarized accounts,

* often forged accounts,

* conflicting accounts,

* scribal errors,

* scribal changes,

* cherry picked entries and exclusions of "canon"
(chosen by whichever Christian-religious factions were in power at those times),

* divergent translations,

* divergent interpretations,

* divergent ideas about how any of it should be applied to our lives today,

* divergent ideas about which parts are required for the next life,

and
* divergent ideas for what counts as "proof" to see who has the true recipe.

The result of so many conflicting confections?

The Desert Wars.

Those cookie wars
(aka "the un-leavened cake" wars),
included in the broader range of Desert Wars,
have caused massive suffering and early deaths for countless humans;
for thousands of years.

Curiously, the earliest Jesus-legends
admit to intentionally creating destructive division in our world.

So none of this should really be a surprise to any of their readers.

Meanwhile,
according to the most quailed cookie historians,
even the mere ATTEMPT to harmonize the different cookie-gospels
results in a dramatic change in the recipe.
- Because:

Each contributing writer was actually trying to create their own different and rival cookie.

And yet,
every later company has been sure they figured it out. Because the CEO of each company has felt a real sense of connection to the Kosher Cookie Master from 2000 years ago.

Also, they each made wishes on their cookie,
to test the magic.

The results of those tests?

Randomly sometimes,
each of them had amazing results!
- at really all the same rate of "proof"
as Islamic cookies, Hindu cookies, Jehovah's Witness cookies, Charles Manson Cult cookies, etc..
---------

In closing,
I'll quote the very next thing that guy said to me.

He said
"The disagreements don't matter".

But what I'm saying is:

The crucial differences in
what the many ancient and modern Christian-Cookie-ists have taught
"don't matter"
only if
their teachings "don't matter".

Christians sure think it matters.

Thus, most Christians will denounce rival sects as unwitting pawns of demonic forces; over differences in doctrines.

Trinitarian vs Unitarian vs Modelists

"Once saved always saved" vs "salvation can be lost".

"Saved by grace via faith alone" vs "works are required",

Women should STFU in church
vs
Women are equal to men

"LGBT can be ordained to lead a church" vs "they're welcome to attend but they must repent of their wicked "lifestyle" before we can endorse them as true Christians",

etc etc

On this point,
you can't have your Sky Cake and eat it too.

You either think that stuff matters
or you don't.

Now,
we may not agree on what the consequences have been.
But we can surely agree there have been some.