The reason why we can only meet others as deeply as we've met our self.

This is why I had to let go of her.

The murky details were, of course, far more complicated.
But, for me, this is what it all boiled down to.

It was impossible for me to tell where I ended and she began.

Even though the sum-total-view of 'her' was positive,
I knew I was being unfair to us both.

She deserved to be seen and known for who she is; where she is not greatly obscured and misunderstood.

I needed the same from me. I wanted to honor myself with a clarified view of who I am.

It was painful.
And it took a while.

It was also fanatically expensive; causing me to ironically *lose her from my life forever; in order to become someone capable of knowing her.
[*note: I don't mean romantically. I mean: period.
I don't actually miss the thing we sometimes called a "relationship".
I don't miss THAT with anyone at all.
"That" was never great. And I was always half the reason why. 
But I miss the people.
I miss her, as a person.
I miss others similarly]

But at least I was wise enough and durable enough to walk through the Hell I built for myself;
eventually emerging on the other side,
older but wiser. 

I went from thinking: 

She is the sun, the moon, and the stars ..

to:
My sky went dark, in her absence,

to:
realizing I didn't know how to shine on my own.

to:
realizing the lost light was primarily my own. 

She wasn't merely an inspiration.
It was more than that.
She'd been the canvas upon-which my light had been cast.

This is when I realized.
Rainbows are not beautiful; neither are mountains majestic,
except where these shine within the heart of the observer. 

A person can be those things, autonomously.

But the beauty we see/feel/know, in response to their beauty ...
is an amplified manifestation of our own. 

We are, in those moments, experiencing the depths and truth of our own soul (not meant in the religious sense of the word.
Although, there is an overlapping meaning between the religious and secular meaning of "soul").

No matter what or who has 'stirs embers from ashes';

or, from the embers,
stokes our heart's fire to brilliance, ...

That fire is our own.

I wasn't experiencing her beauty.
Her beauty was causing me to experience my own.

Only once I understood this, could I know where I end ... and she begins.

Only then could I rightly identify myself, within life's glistening wet swirls; splashed beautifully and tragically, in places poorly lit. 
 
Only then, I could know myself.
Only then, could I know anyone.
---
This revealed a fundamental problem with popular Christian narratives.
It revealed how those had sabotaged the relationship I had with myself; and thus with all others.  

I was taught to think of myself as an unworthy  vessel; into which a greater-being's beauty is poured.

So then, I wasn't recognizing what was mine.

So then, I wasn't recognizing what is me.

That's when I began to de-convert/deconstruct from Christianity.

I didn't become convinced there isn't a god.
That realization came much later; when I realized what the term infers. 

At this point, ...
I became aware of how their religious narrative obscures the truth-of-self;
for the sake of an insecure, parental figure;
- so that
(as they allege),
he can feel sufficiently BIG before those whom shrink.

Christianity, as a culture,
attempts to obligate people into perpetually making the same mistake I made with my ex.

If there were a real Super-Being seeking a spiritual connection with humans, ...

The Christian narrative
would prevent Christians from ever really knowing that Being.
(first link)
---------------------------

Here, John Shelby Spong, retired Episcopal bishop from Newark, N.J., proposes a way to salvage the best bits from the otherwise toxic popular versions of Christianity; so that a person doesn't necessarily need to toss it all out, in order to emerge clarified and empowered. (second link)
(starting at 2:09)

----------------------------

The Greater Insult 
(third link. Dialogue begins after 4:44)

This video helped me understand that even when a person might welcome an unequal social dynamic if it favors them as the greater, ...

They would be miserable for having it;
and might never realize why.

I realize why.

              Anyone worthy of worship would realize it too;
- which is exactly why they would refuse it. 



Anyone offering worship
should be refused. 

It might sound like an ultimate honor;
but it's actually the ultimate insult.

 It means the person offering it doesn't
understand what a healthy relationship is. 
And they're assuming that you don't either.

Even if they don't realize it, ...
They're offering you the chance to mutually sabotage each other.
And then to later blame each other,
after you've both succeeded. 

That's what I offered "God", as a Christian.
That's what I offered women, as a man.
  -Until I finally understood.