How my Moral Compass was Polarized

 ​ @o'flynn_flowerchild  " for some reason we all think we are the exception. "Everyone is a monster" what about your mom, or wife, or kids? are they monsters too, what about yourself, are you a monster? We are so fast to turn on the world, but when it comes to our brothers and sisters, they are just misguided, or its the cycle of abuse and they weren't always this way. Do you know why this is? Its because we can't empathize with the whole world, but we can with the people we are closest to." --------------- I recognize that it's a complex and nuanced spectrum.

I also recognize that I am not always good and fair to others. People are multi-faceted.

A person can be impressively self-aware about some things, but utterly oblivious about other facets of their own mind and life. A person can be impressively and reliable super-moral in some environments, and in some situations, ... and yet hard to distinguish from a clinical psychopath in others. And yet, totally self-vindicated, even in their worst moments, because of the way the mind auto-generates rationalizing narratives. A person can pride themselves on being a "free thinker". They might even really be that ... when it comes to some matters. But that same person might be utterly programmed by media or other cultural mechanisms, on a lot of other issues. Meanwhile, I do make a distinction between habitual and extreme monsters ... vs gentle souls who are (only rarely) triggered into destructive states. --- As for my people, ... My Dad tried to kill me, several times, when I was very little. I remember some of those times. -Such as holding a pillow over my head until I stopped breathing. He got caught; at least once. I was resuscitated. But he was never brought to justice. My ultra-religious grandmother "left it in God's hands". My mother had just turned 15 when I was born. She was forced to carry my bio-dad's statutory-rape-baby to term,... not only because of her mom's Catholic beliefs ... but also because her mom believed the pregnancy was: a punishment from GOD ... for sinning, and for disappointing them. My mom wrecked their Catholic version of the Duggar Family "American Dream". So she had to pay the price. They forced her (an under-educated, and totally unprepared child) to marry my crazy 19yo dad. Meanwhile, she proceeded to "parent" ... under the belief that: "Babies are evil" and possessed by demons ... and are trying to destroy the souls of moms. So every mom needs to try forcing out those demons by religious fervor. And by making those demons suffer ... by making the evil possessed babies suffer. Predictably, there was no love in the environment I grew up in. There was only the toxic ideas ABOUT love ... inherent to the crazy Christian cults she hopped between. She also chose to marry a super-abuser, only a year after divorcing my crazy dad. Because her ideas about raising kids were very PragerU, before there was a #PragerU. Only one of her boyfriends (she did cheat on her husbands a lot) were nice to me. It turned out later that he was only being so nice because he was a bisexual pedophile and I was cute. He was one of the people who did NOT molest me. He tried a few times to get me into those situations with him. I just didn't play the part he was hoping for. Instead, I pretended not to realize the situation I was in; because at least someone was being nice to me. Meanwhile, ... Religion and related abuses broke my mom's brain. And then it broke us kids. I recovered from the indoctrination. My siblings weren't able to. Neither me nor my younger brother ever recovered from the complex PTSD. None of us siblings (5 in total) stayed a part of each other's lives, after we escaped "Bowman Castle" (a term my mom coined, about life under the roof of my abusive step dad). For whatever reason, I don't think about my childhood very often. But it was especially bad. --- I turned 50 this year. I haven't dated in over 6 years. I got tired of the abuse. Every woman I ever attempted to have a long-term relationship with ... was fantastically abusive. Their extended families were also pretty horrible. I don't give special moral exemptions or make excuses for anyone.

I used to. I don't anymore.

But these days, it's moot; because I no longer have a people. --- Despite it all, I honestly believe: Some rare people are actually pretty decent; at least in most situations. Also, most humans COULD become pretty great, and reliably good, ... if they were plugged into the needed system long enough. But that system does not exist. Nor would most people volunteer for it, even if someone created it. Most people like being awful. They like hurting hated "others", because it feeds the delusion of being a "righteous" person curtailing and punishing evil. --- AS FOR ME, ... I am keenly aware of the irony that me being NOT-a-monster is mostly due the moral outrage I experienced as a victim to monsters. I was raised to be a thrall to emotional vampires. I was habitually complicit in the abuses I suffered. I didn't have an honest and coherent narrative for my journey. It was just chaos. For most of my life, I was swept along in it, and overwhelmed by it. Meanwhile, ... My PTSD kept me from doing well in life. Doing poorly in life resulted in me being in very vulnerable demographics. For the reason, the only women who say any WORTH in me ... were predators ... who saw me as an overly self-sacrificing, overly patient, wellspring of exploitable service and positivity. My being under-employed (sometimes unemployed) didn't matter to them, because I was just a resource. I'd eventually be thrown away. No big deal. Whereas the good women ... were all either: already with someone or holding out for a fully functional mate. As an adult, I was always kindhearted. I was also handsome enough. I was smart enough. I was even tall, with nice eyes and broad shoulders. I was even well endowed, with no substance issues, no criminal background, I didn't smoke, I didn't gamble, I didn't sleep around. I could even pass myself off as fully socialized.

In fact, I'm usually quite adept at social interactions. But I wasn't "gainfully employed", and I had kids from a crazy/evil ex they didn't want to deal with. So I could only shop (or: be shopped) in: the bargain bin; -which is the primary hunting grounds of social predators. Meanwhile, ... Being a vulnerable person in vulnerable situations resulted in: frequently being abused; - not just by people in my inner circle, but (on occasion) also by doctors, nurses, therapists, social service agency workers, landlords, neighbors, bosses, coworkers, etc.. Many of those people were NOT abusive. Some few even treated me with much respect and compassion. Most didn't care one-way-or-the-other. But there are a lot of people in our society that feel a psychological compulsion to HATE and HARM "others". We can say they are a minority. But there are enough of those people, at least, that they are evenly distributed/seeded into most social and professional environments. And it only takes ONE, in an environment prepared to enable, shelter, and rationalize them... for an entire office, or agency, or family ... to be weaponized without even realizing it. I myself ended up being a hated "other", way too often. Sometimes it was my own fault for 'out'ing myself. Sometimes there was no way to avoid it. [at times] I have been: Poor, fat, single-male, disabled, welfare-subsidized, mentally ill (depression and PTSD), politically-left, atheist, etc.. Even my current healthcare primary is practically dripping with hatred for me. He sucks at hiding it. But I'd wager he really doesn't want to hide it. He's a conservative Christian immersed in that cultural narrative, plugged into that media, working inside of a small social-cultural echo chamber. He couldn't hold his own, in a fair debate about ANY of it. But that won't matter, because he'll never make himself available for that. Abusive people always have practical reasons why they aren't available for those conversations.
[And yes, I am about to switch providers.] Meanwhile, our educational institutions aren't screening for those biases, nor for dangerous psychological reflexes. And our government couldn't care less. --- Being so often wronged "polarized my values" to the opposites of those abuses. That's what gradually, cumulatively, shaped me into a very aware and very moral person. [although, I still have plenty room to grow] ---------- To summarize: Early in life, predators trained me to be prey.
I went from: thinking it's ADMIRABLE to be so self-sacrificing and over-giving for over-takers ... to: (eventually) realizing that's actually not a virtue. -- Being habitual 'prey' ... broke me. Being broken made me vulnerable and contemptable to even more abusers.
Being 'of diminished capacity' forced me to seek help with surviving and healing.
Being vulnerable and contemptable triggered normally-dormant abusers, in a wide range of settings; - thus accidentally triggering them to expose their true selves to me. In effect, a lot of people are like "sleeper cell" freelance terrorists ... being "activated" by any target too tempting to ignore. From there: Being abused gradually polarized my moral compass to the opposite of those abuses. "You can't be neutral on a moving train" -Vinnie Paz That chain of cause-and-effect is what made me into: (for the most part) a self-aware, others-aware, compassionate, and accountable person. Granted,  
predator-monsters don't recognize me as a good and valuable person. But they can't see me for who I am ... because of one simple reason: They can't see themselves for who they are.
The relationships we have with others are determined by the relationship we have with our own self. The relationship we have with our own self, likewise, is determined by the relations we have with others.
This is one of the mixed-blessings inherent to the wonderful and horrible truth that we are all part of one larger, living breathing, ironically self-destructive, whole.