Social equity, as a measure of sound personal investment.
It's like having equity in a home.
If I'm paying on a mortgage, and I pay a LOT into it over years, and then (for any reason) it's time to migrate away from that home, ...
as long as I didn't commit arson or something (in other words, as long as I didn't burn it down maliciously), ..
if I held up my end of the arrangement until it was time to move out,
I expect credit for my prior investments.
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In terms of a relationship that lasted a while and then crashed out, or fizzled out, or whatever, ...
that means I still get Christmas cards, or birthday cards (*or at least an instant message to that effect),
and occasional (even if rare) offers to meet somewhere for mid-day coffee/lunch, ...
and just basic respect.
And if I ever really need a friend, they'll be there.
-at least after the initial grieving and healing. If they need time to heal and reset first, that's fine.
But if they are the sort of person who can't-or-won't (for any reason)
(whether they are like MOST people and throw other humans away when they're done using them,
or
if they are someone who simply can't regulate their emotions well enough to remain friends with an ex partner, or ex-love-interest, or ex-whatever), ...
the result is the same.
It means that I am NOT accruing "social equity" from the investment.
So no matter what I ever do/did for them, and no matter how much sacrifice that might involve, and no matter how much that helped them along the way, ...
there will NOT be a return on that investment, if I ever need to get out.
And then I've got nothing but lost time I can't get back.
- No lasting witness to my character.
-No lasting (even if limited) friendship.
-No enduring appreciating for all that I was and provided.
just a new enemy, or hater, or self-fictionalized "victim"
who will rewrite the narrative
to artificially justify feeling like I wronged them for reserving sole dibs on my own journey.
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That's a bad personal interment, in my estimation.
The people I made that mistake with in prior years...
should just stick with people who share their values system and social protocols.
That way, it will be totally fair when they mutually disavow each other and write each other off as a loss, and re-script each other as a "bad person". every time either person wants out of a specific social contract.
That's how most people just ... are.
I don't take that personally.
It's not a factor of who-or-what I am.
They can SAY it is. But logically, of course it's not.
I didn't burn anything down; not even bridges.
It's not who I am.
It's who they are.
And I've had enough time to really think about it. So I try not to keep making those mistakes.
Meanwhile, there's always a theoretical possibility
that any one of those people might accidentally mature some day, and then come back around to pay on prior investments.
-NOT as romantic partners, or even BFFs.
-just as humans trying to do right.
They really won't. But they always "could".
I'll still be the guy who always prefers restoration to destruction.
But I have made a very conscious choice
to never again tolerate anyone trying to call dibs on my journey.
If the penalty for going my own way is a destructive penalty that retroactive voids the value of interments, then I'll just stop investing the moment I realize that as the situation I'm in.
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That's not a personal judgement about them as a person, or their worth.
It's a personal judgement about my own.
And I really regret that I didn't have that wisdom to work with from very early into my journey.
I see where you're coming from. It is honest, but it isn't sound, for instance:
ReplyDelete1. People who leave a relationship, don't necessarily think their significant other is 'bad'. Everyone has mutual responsibility in the dynamics of such relationships.
2. Many people have a deep need to take time to cut off / take their space apart, not as revenge but as a healing mechanism, to restore their sense of individual identity if it has been lost. This is a sign of maturity I am not capable of myself, and I envy people who manage to do so. This does not mean they won't return later, only that their emotional healing depends on the emotional distance, and that can take time by the end of which, they reconnect and restore a newfound dynamics of communication.
3. Relationships who are good, will necessarily bring good outcomes. Even later.
For instance, what the partners invested in building each other up, is never lost nor is it uncredited. Especially in a world where it is the understood norm, to switch partners out of loss of interest or natural parting of ways.
This is true, unless of course one or both of the partners are not able to see their 'part' in the equation.
4. People change, constantly. This means with certain attachments they will feel a stronger need to distance for space to heal, with others - they will detach easily for the reason that they did not invest their identity and sense of self or self worth in the relationship. If they did, however, then the distance will need to be as great as the attachment, for the time needed to rejuvenate and rebirth the individuality. Between loyal, nature partners, this happens not one sidedly, but in agreement ('taking a break').
5. No one should ever see any relationship's benefits as 'an investment'. It is crooked. True care is unconditional, and people should remain able to give and take what they can afford to. Some people develop a high capacity to give, but as I have learned, it is the rarity and one learns to not expect anything in return (I see myself in that category).
Giving, never should have any connected strings. At all. Unless it is not 'giving' but a bargain.
I find my joy in being able to give; it makes me feel the opposite of small and helpless, it is a standing of strength. I never see the time I invest in anyone as 'an investment' to be returned. Nor could I ever see it as 'having a hold' on them, or any form whatsoever of 'dibs' on their journey, sense of self or anything else. If I invest in someone, who turns their back to me, or who I will never see again, I do not 'count' my losses and hold a grudge expecting the kindness to be returned.
If that were the case, how would it be kindness? How on earth would that be giving?
It wouldn't be anything less than bargaining, and I am not gifted in that area to know much about it.
6. If someone cuts off closeness with someone they feel they 'invested' in but didn't 'return the profit', they are deluded. They are ignoring the true nature of the connection and the mutual meaning. In the end, that person is the one who lost a meaningfully close friend.
7. I ask that you forgive my choice of words for having ever suggested it in a way that you took the wrong way, which injured your sense of trust in ways I mourn and wish I could restore. From being a BFF and romantic friend, I feel I have been cut off from being worthy of any trust at all, trust which I believe I still am worthy of. And I hope you will find it in you to build it again. ��
So I hope you can give a clarification to this.
I only just now realized you had replied to this blog.
DeleteSorry for the delay.
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Taking these one at a time, ...
1. Agreed.
And
Agreed.
I'm not sure what I said
that gave you the impression that I thought differently.
But I will go back and find that. And then I'll find a way to be better understood.
Thanks for bringing this to my attention.
re #2:
DeleteAgreed,
Agreed,
Understandable,
Agreed.
#3
Delete* I agree, very generally speaking.
* Agreed.
* Yes. That happens often.
* Certainly. Sometimes at least one of the people don't fairly understand their part (or whole) of the due-blame, for lost-love, lost-trust, etc..
I'll address the rest tomorrow :)
Delete